A "quick" errand

Let me set the scene.  Baby and I have just been out with friends and an adventure to the Farmer's Market.  On my way home, I think I'll just stop at the grocery store for 3 quick things before dinner and baby's next feeding.  I actually had the thought that it would be quick, easy and painless.  (Sometimes I still forget that babies can complicate the easiest of tasks.)

On the way to the store, baby fell asleep.  I wanted to make sure she got a good nap, so I sat in the grocery store parking lot for a while, thus already eliminating the quickness of the errand.  Once she was awake, I thought, "Great!  I can still just run in with the baby and my wallet and be back home before she needs her bottle."  Except, as I'm pulling her out of her car seat, I'm realizing she has a poopy diaper.  Now I am committed into bringing my ginormous diaper bag into the store.  We find the changing table and fix our issue, but then, baby needs her bottle.  Well, I cannot bottle feed a baby AND push a cart, so I have to go back out to the car and retrieve the stroller so she can recline and feed herself.  At this point, I've decided I might as well do some more serious grocery shopping to make these efforts worthwhile.  So I'm shopping in a handheld basket and pushing my stroller.  Halfway through the trip, baby decides she needs to be held.  Immediately and no other distractions will suffice.  Ok, so swap baby out of stroller and groceries into stroller.

Then, enter checkout line.  Swap baby back into stroller and groceries onto belt.  Swipe card, start arranging groceries back into stroller.  "Oh wait, your card didn't swipe right."  (Why do they always wait to tell you after your put your wallet away?)  Make it back to the car and load everyone up, just to drive home and unload again.  Man, just telling this story is making me tired.

Anyways, I just want to get it through my stubborn brain to never expect things to go according to my quick, easy plans or else I will get taught a lesson!  

Torn

Oh hello there, you neglected blog, you.  I have so much I need to catch up on like....how my baby turned 3...4...and 5 months!  And how we went apple picking in Oak Glen and started taking Mommy n Me classes, but all that will have to wait because I have something on my mind.

I try to seek inspiration from the Lord on life decisions.  I figure He knows what's up.  I can distinctly recall the feelings to pursue a nursing degree.  I can distinctly recall the feeling to start our little family.  Now that both of those have been accomplished, I'm feeling a little lost.  I feel very strongly about being a full-time mom.  I want my baby to wake up knowing I'll be there to take care of her.  I want her to trust this, to have me to comfort her, meet her needs and help her learn and grow.  I love being home with her, more than I ever thought I would.  I revel in every baby smile and snuggle.  I live to kiss every chunky baby roll!

I also feel the need to be a nurse.  I don't know why.  I have tried and tried to ignore this feeling because I just want to be a mom.  But it creeps up and nags.  Oh how it nags. Many of my nursing school friends are landing amazing new jobs in hospitals.  I'm so excited for them!  Part of me wants to be announcing that I've landed some awesome new job too, but the thought of being away from my baby for 12 hour shifts just makes me feel like I've got rocks in my stomach and a broken heart.

I guess all I can do is pray and seek inspiration.  To keep looking for the right situation so I can find that happy medium where I'm not nagged about neglecting my nursing or have rocks in my innards about leaving my sweet babe.  But for the moment I'm feeling incredibly torn.

Life is uncertain

I got the news last weekend that someone I went to high school with passed away.  My heart has been very heavy with this news.  I am surprised at my own reaction because I haven't been in contact with this person since high school, but we were in the same ward, seminary class and drama club during school. Since I am a nurse (and a Mormon who believes in life after death,) I thought I had a pretty good handle on death, but this news kind of threw me for a loop.  I've been thinking about it and most of my experience with death at the hospital has been an end to suffering or the result of poor lifestyle choices. Unfortunately, this person was in a work related accident that was pretty tragic. I am sad for his family and for the way that he died.

Its also gotten me thinking about how uncertain life can be.  I know we are all a work in progress, but I've felt a stronger sense of urgency on working on my flaws and living life to the fullest.  I want to appreciate all the good in my life for as long as I have it. Gordon B. Hinckley said, “Life is to be enjoyed, not endured.” I think I forget that sometimes with all the hustle and bustle of life and I have a tendency toward a negative attitude.  I love my husband and my baby and I'm so grateful for the time we get to spend together. I'm trying to be a better person.  And really, nothing else matters.

2 months

My darling angel, you sleep through the night!  And are so happy to see your mom in the mornings.  You are a little joy to be around.  Even strangers at the grocery store gush at your cuteness. You did a lot for a 2 month old!


First, your dark brown hair started falling out turning you into a baldy! Don't worry, you are still adorable.

Baldy

We went to your cousin's baby blessing and took "matchy-matchy" photos (I'm pretty sure we will have a lot of those over the years because who doesn't love matching 2 darling little girls?)

3 weeks apart and future besties

You were given a name and a blessing on July 7th in your mother's blessing dress.  It was a very special and lovely day.  You were surrounded by family and friends who love you.  Even Great Grandma Low was there in a way because you were wrapped in a blanket that she quilted.

We celebrated your first 4th of July!

It was so fun we had to wear 2 festive outfits!

Baby Yoda...just because your parents love to torment you!

You also got your first round of vaccinations.  Your Dad held you because your Mom could not watch you cry!  But afterwards we wrapped you up and you fell right asleep for the whole day!  What a trooper!

Life is tough!

1 month!

I cannot believe that my baby is a month old!! I want to remember every little bit of her and I'm sure in my sleep deprived state some of the details will escape me someday...but that's why I blog!

Well baby, there was a lot of sadness in the land for the first 2 weeks of your life.  Don't get me wrong, we were crazy in love with youI had hoped to exclusively breastfeed you, but you were not gaining weight despite my feeding you for an hour every other hour.  You pretty much cried anytime that you weren't attached to me.  It made for one sad baby and one sad mommy.  Even though it broke my heart a little bit to give you a bottle with formula, you became a much happier baby!! You slept!! You stopped crying all the time! You were just one hungry little girl!

Here are some cute (and not so cute) things you do: (Please allow my first-time mom self to gush!)

-You have expert timing when it comes to peeing.  Doing it during a diaper change seems to be your favorite.  Its very exciting.

-You can't hold your milk.  After you take a bottle, your eyes roll back into your head and you get these silly grins on your face.  It's hilariously cute.

-When you take a bottle and you haven't had enough, you will scream bloody murder until more milk is given to you.  When you take a bottle and you are full, you will smack your lips ever so satisfied.

-You clench your tiny fists when eating like you are ready to fight anyone who takes away your bottle!

-Much to your mother's delight, you started smiling at 4 weeks!  The best thing ever!

Happy 1 month!! You survived us as parents.  Congratulations.

What I wish I had known: First Time Mom

In my last trimester of pregnancy, I spent a ton of time scouring the internet for lists on what I needed to take with me to the hospital and to have ready to be prepared to care for my baby. Luckily, there are a ton of mommy bloggers that have great lists, but I just wanted to add my two cents to the interwebs on what I wish I had ready or what I would have not wasted my time with.

Hospital bags:

1.) Bring food!! A lot of it!  You will be HUNGRY! Like a whole new kind of hunger you've never experienced before.  Normally, I'm a 2 slice of pizza kind of a girl.  After giving birth, I ate 5 slices of pizza!!! Don't judge me, you'll do it too.  Plus the hospital food is Gross with a capital G and they won't feed your husband.

2.) Lanolin. Put this stuff on your nips every night a week before you deliver and then after every feeding.  No cracking or bleeding for this girl!

3.) PJs.  I found it awkward to breastfeed in a hospital gown.  2 piece pjs worked for me.

4.) Boppy pillow. I found it useful to learn how to breastfeed in the early days.  Have the nurses or lactation consultants help you with your holds and latch.  If they don't offer...ASK!!

To have ready at home:

1.) Clean house and freezer meals.  I felt a little crazy stocking my freezer with a zillion lasagna roll ups and muffins, but I am so glad I did!! It was 6 weeks before I could even think about putting my baby down to make some food or clean house.

2.) Cookies.  A newborn is a stressful thing.  You will need lots of cookies.

3.) Trash TV. You will be spending a lot of time awake. Best to do so in the company of the cast of Grey's Anatomy or the Kardashians.

4.) Swaddle options.  We tried swaddling with a few different blankets and not swaddling.  We ended up liking some by Summer Infant. It was trial and error. For us swaddling = more sleep which everyone desperately needs!

Labor Story...TMI?

I love reading people's labor stories and since I'm a nurse, I love all the gory details! My mother can attest to my lack of filter when it comes to talking about bodily functions at the dinner table from an early age and well, its only gotten worse. So consider that your warning as this post is probably a really long over share.

Wednesday morning 6:30am, I'm one day overdue and I'm awoken by contractions.  I'd had these contractions for about 3 weeks so I didn't even bat an eye.  I didn't even get excited when I timed them and they were 10 minutes apart.  I simply went back to sleep.  At 9am I went to the bathroom and had some bloody show and a the teensiest amount of water in my undies.  Again, I was unimpressed.  I went back to bed.  10am...there was more water.  (I'd had a scare earlier in my pregnancy where I though I'd had a leak so my Dr said don't call unless there is a GUSH of water.)  At this point, I was suspecting a leak.  So I called the Dr and they wanted me to come in.  I showered and packed up the hospital bags into the car, just in case.

The Dr checked me and could not tell if my membranes had ruptured or not.  She suspected they had and wanted me to go to the hospital and to actively manage my labor.  Boo!! I was surprised at how disappointed I felt that this wouldn't be allowed to progress naturally.  She knew I had wanted to do this naturally and had wanted to labor at home as long as possible, but if your water breaks or springs a leak, there is a risk of infection.  So I asked how long she would give me before I had to go to the hospital.  She said, "Go home, have lunch and be there by 3pm."

So I called Luke home from work and went home and started walking around my apartment complex.  Luke got home and we ate Subway sandwiches.  This whole time I'm having contractions, but I'm able to talk and walk through them no problem!  We head to the hospital, check in and my room is ready and waiting for me.

The nurse puts on the monitors and puts in my IV.  At this point she asks how painful my contractions are...2/10 on the pain scale.  Luke and I get set up...he's got his soda from Subway and we turn on Arrested Development thinking we had a lot of time to kill.  The Dr shows up and breaks my water (knitting needle to the hoo-hah? yeeouch!), and we start Pitocin.  There was meconium in the amniotic fluid so the Dr was really glad I had chosen to come to the hospital.  It was about 4pm and she said, "You're at 3 cm.  My wishlist is for you to have this baby by 10pm...can we try to make that happen?"

My happy place

Immediately after my water had been broken, my pain picked up.  I felt the need to sit up in bed really straight, almost Indian style.  The nurse asked me my pain level about an hour into the Pitocin...5/10.  She said "Really?"  while raising her eyebrows.  That made me feel like a big wimp!  At this point, I was no longer interested in watching Netflix and I'm just trying to breathe through the contractions.  During my hypnobirthing classes I had mentally prepared my "happy place" I wanted to go during my contractions...a beach that Luke and I visited on the the island of Grenada.  Soft, soft sand, warm lapping water...gorgeous!  But I didn't go there at all during my labor!  Instead, during the pain I found myself on the streets of Paris!  I walked along the Seine, visited Notre Dame and tried to visualize the exact taste and texture of a La Duree macaron.  Weird, right? Whatever works I guess.  At this point, my pain is getting pretty severe...8/10.  I'm finding it impossible to get into a position of comfort.  I wanted to stand, but felt unable to.

Along the Seine River in Paris

Luke surprised me and was a fabulous labor coach!  (I say surprised because he can't handle the sight of blood or me being in pain.  He could barely watch a youtube birthing video before our hypnobirthing classes.)  He sat beside me and did some of the light touch massage we learned in our class and told me "You're doing great!"

At about 6pm, I started shaking uncontrollably, teeth chattering.  I felt totally out of control...almost like an out of body experience without the benefit of being out of body.  I kept looking at the clock wondering how long would I have to endure this?  I thought there is NO WAY I can do this for hours.  I had no idea how far I had dilated so when the nurse offered the epidural, I gave in.  By the time the anesthesiologist came, I was a shaking mess.  I felt him put in the epidural because I could feel pressure in my back but I felt no relief!  I told the nurse, I still feel the contractions!!  Then she decided to check me.  I was at a 9!!  (Had I known I was in transition, I would have passed on the epidural!)  She said, "Call the Dr!  Get the NICU!  She's having this baby!"  Everyone rushed in and I felt like I needed to push.  Luckily the Dr got there quickly and after about 15-20 minutes of pushing and minimal damage to my lady bits, I had my baby!!

Not putting her name on this public blog for now...thanks!

Since there was the meconium issue, she was whisked away from me and suctioned.  It was a while before I could hold her which I tried not to be too disappointed with because immediate Kangaroo Care was really important to me.  But when she got into my arms, it was love at first sight!  I wept and could not believe how beautiful she was!  (Mentally, I had prepped myself to have an ugly baby or at least a squished, red newborn, but she was lovely!)

Proud Dad...I love this photo!

Such a long story for a short time frame, but I'd like to remember all the details when I'm old and grey.  She's here and we love her!